The Dumbest Fears

For the past several weeks, as my hours have ramped up at work, it's been difficult to fit in swimming. The pool I usually go to (near our house) doesn't have lap swim hours after 7:00 pm or so, which is about or earlier than the time I'm leaving work these days. (Yes, they have morning lap swim hours too. No, getting myself up and out of the house that early was not going to happen.) I live in a parks and rec district that has several pools, though, and realized that one that's on the way home from work has later lap swims. Plus, they have two pools, and keep one of them at a cooler temperature, better for exercising swimming (most of the pools in the district are around 88 - 89°, since they are mixed use, including leisure swimming, but the lap pool here is 85°). 

And yet... I didn't. I only went swimming once the entire month of January (when I was able to fit it in at my regular pool)! There was the aspect of finding enough energy when it involves packing a bag, driving slightly out of my way, etc. - slightly more work than just getting dressed for a run and heading out the door. But mostly, I was scared. Yes, scared to go to a new pool. A lot of my anxiety (of which I do have an excess amount in general) is about social situations, interacting with others in circumstances I'm not familiar with. 

I had similar anxiety about going swimming in the first place, last year, so I went with my friend Jessica, and she was awesome at showing me the ropes and explaining the etiquette. This time, though, was about fitting in a swim on my tight schedule, I needed to do it by myself. And really, this pool is part of the same system, so everything should operate the same. I know that they scan my card in, I know that they require sharing lanes and circle swimming (if more lap swimmers than lanes), I know that there'll be a place to stow stuff on deck. But I simply could not shake this anxiety. I even packed my swim bag multiple times, planning to go, and yet at the end of a work day just drove straight home. This is all part of my depression and anxiety that pops up from time to time; I can't get rid of it, but I can try to manage it.

Yesterday, I planned yet again, I had my swim bag packed and in the car. I was really close to not going, too. In the afternoon, though, I was chatting with a coworker and mentioned I was planning to swim that night (rather than go running with her - we're planning to tonight, instead - yay for potential running buddies!). So I had to at least attempt to go. (And she did, in fact, ask me this morning how my swim went.)

I made it to the parking lot, and realized that this (one of their newer locations) was a pretty big recreation facility. Um, where's the door? How do I know if the main door is the one nearest the pool? I almost gave myself credit for at least finding the place, and thought that was a good first step, I can go home now and do the actual swimming next week. 

After sitting for a minute in my car, I got out and went in what appeared to be the main door. Oh, look, the pool is right inside here! Got my card scanned, put on a smile and told the lady that this was my first time at this spot, could she please direct me to the locker room? (Joking that I had figured out the pool was that way - through the large nearby spectator windows - so I hopefully didn't seem like a complete idiot.) When I got on the pool deck, I did kind of stand around looking confused for a minute, but that got a lifeguard's attention. I once again gave my explanation that I was a newbie for that location, and he told me where I could set my stuff and how the circle swimming operated there. 

You know what? This pool is awesome!

The lower temp is great - it's still not as cold as the PSU pool where the triathlon team practiced when I was doing that last summer, but so noticeably more comfortable than the other leisure pools in the district. They have lockers in the locker room! The other facilities have shelves  or racks to keep bags out of the way, but there are actual gym-style lockers here, that you can lock your stuff up if you bring your own lock! (Note to self: need to find the lock I own from when I belonged to a gym a few years ago.)

No one else was in the locker room,
otherwise I wouldn't have used my camera.

They also have twice the number of shower heads, plus individual shower stalls. And huge benches to set stuff on (on which I got to completely sprawl my stuff out on since it was pretty quiet and no one else was in the locker room while I was changing afterward). This seems to be by far the best pool in the district! 

Why the hell was I avoiding it, again?

I realize not every anxiety will have an awesome ending, but a great many of my anxieties are way overblown, and this just demonstrates how great I end up feeling when I push through it and do the thing I wanted to do. 

<-- I was also nervous about these pants (they're tapered! and not plain black! and fairly slim fitting overall - almost enough to warrant wearing a thong, until I remembered I stopped wearing them because they're really not that comfortable). (But they were on clearance at Target recently, and they're sold as ankle length, which for me means I can wear them as normal pants without having to hem them.) And I really enjoyed it when I got over that fear, too!

Is It Really Better Than Nothing?

Last night, I wore my marathon finisher shirt (one of my few long-sleeve tech tees) on a 2.5 mile run. Felt a bit pathetic. Yes, less than 5 months ago I ran 10 times that distance in one go. Now, I convinced myself to start the run by only planning to do a whole 2 miles, and was proud of going farther than that and only taking a few walking breaks. 

8 weeks into 2014, and I've run a grand total of 41 miles - I did almost that much in a week during marathon training! I haven't been injured, and work has only been really ramping up in hours the past few weeks. I just... haven't been wanting to run, is all.

There was a time when I generally didn't bother going out for a run if I wasn't willing to do at least 3 miles. That seemed like the minimum that made it worth the time to change clothes, stretch, shower, etc. 

Lately, though, I'm all about the concept "it's better than nothing!" This applies to length and/or intensity of a workout. The idea of a long run is so unappealing - but if I tell myself I only have to go out for a 2 miles, or 4 laps around the parking lot, or whatever, I can get myself out the door. I often ending up doing at least a touch more than planned, so it adds up. Or, I might set a marginally longer goal - but put very little effort into it. Tons of walking breaks and slow paces.

Is it really better than nothing? Sometimes, I definitely use it as an excuse. If I talked myself into it, I could find the energy to do a better workout. Other times, though, I really would be do nothing - I'd stay at work longer or sit on the couch for the whole evening. 

Just doing something can also be useful in forming habits. I'm trying to train myself to be a morning exerciser, so evening plans don't get in the way of socializing, or vice versa (as happened sometimes when I was sticking to a training plan for a race). Is getting up early to half ass a strength workout or ride my bike trainer for 20 minutes worth while? If it helps me form a healthy routine, absolutely!

When is "it's better than nothing" a valid justification for an easier workout? When is it just an excuse to not give your best effort?

Modified Accomplishments

NaBloPoMo prompt: What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Thinking about the various things that I could consider accomplishments, I immediately starting downplaying them, in various ways.

I ran a full marathon! But I didn't do everything the training plan said, and ran the long runs at too slow a pace for my goal time. If I'd trained better, I could have had a much better time.

I completed a masters' degree! But I took time off for stupid (to me, now) reasons, and it took me five and a half years. If I'd stuck to the original plan, I could have finished it two years earlier.

I got promoted to manager! But it took a year longer than I originally intended, and partly because I started reduced hours to deal with other things. If I managed to work 40 hours like everyone else, I could have been promoted earlier.

But, on the other hand, does that make it more of an accomplishment? Does it matter if the factors that led to committing less to it were all or partly under my control? They were still factors that made the journey more difficult, yet ultimately I still accomplished the final goal. 

Unproductive

NaBloPoMo prompt: How much of the day are you plugged in? Do you consciously set aside offline time, or does it happen whenever it happens?

Oh, geez. You previously saw where I spend a ton of time after work; this is where I spend time at work:

So, basically, all day and evening is spent sitting in front of computer. Of course while at work I'm using the computer for work, but it does make it very easy to spend breaks dinking around on facebook and blogs, rather than putting the time to better use by socializing or exercising.

There are occasional days where I happen to not spend much of my free time online; for example the two days that I haven't posted this month for NaBloPoMo are because I was spending the day with Abe, and didn't want to take away from that to spend time on my computer.

It do realize it would be useful in many ways to deliberately limit my online time. Last night I was thinking about this and tried to stay productive and busy for most of the evening - went to the gym and read while riding the stationary bike, sorted through items previously set aside to donate, etc. I still had time to take care of minor daily chores such as running the dishwasher, but it didn't feel like such a rush to fit in those chores, as it often does when I've spent the whole evening being very unproductive and just trying to do something worthwhile before going to bed. I felt better, got things done, and didn't eat as much crap.

As I Write Friday's Post on Saturday...

NaBloPoMo prompt: If you could quit one bad habit instantly without difficulty, which would it be?

My process for writing posts this month based on the NaBloPoMo prompts has to been to look at the list each weekend, start five posts for the upcoming week by typing in the prompt, and titling it with the day of the week it's for. I'll look at them again sometime during the week to remind myself what they are and start thinking about them, and then actually write each post on the indicated day.

I thought about this prompt a few times during the week, including yesterday (Friday), the day the prompt was for. There are certainly things I do that I don't really like, but I was having a hard time coming with one that was merely a "bad habit", and not either something I justify the heck out of doing, or that is based on some deep-seated anxiety that I'd rather not get into right now.

However, as I sat down on Saturday morning, determined to actually write Friday's post, it was obvious. The habit I would like to drop is procrastination of tasks, usually when the task is something I am anxious about or otherwise having a hard time focusing on. 

It's actually sometimes difficult for me to acknowledge that I'm even doing this. When I was in college, my roommate Tiffany and I were both prone to procrastinate, as college students tend to do. However, the way Tiffany would procrastinate was to completely avoid the assignment until absolutely necessary. I was able to feel like a better student because I had my word document open, all ready to start type a paper. I probably even added the heading and title right away. 

Then, keeping the barely-started paper document open - cause I was obviously currently working on it, not procrastinating - I would open internet browsers, spend time reading websites and forums, occasionally flipping back to the paper and writing a few sentences at a time. So Tiffany and I would end up finishing our assignments at about the same time. Only I had spent the entire evening pretending to work on, all the while stressing out about how long it was taking me. She, on the other hand, had enjoyed most of her evening, and then chosen to settle in and focus on it and get it done quick.

Even as I opened this post to write it, I also opened up all of the blog posts in my reader that I haven't read since yesterday afternoon, and facebook, and gmail, etc. Although procrastination, to some degree, is probably just a fact of life, the way I handle procrastination isn't useful to my stress and anxiety levels. Being able to focus on doing other things or on the required task at hand, instead of pretending to focus but really being all over the place, would probably do wonders for my mental health.

Night Owl Part 2

NaBloPoMo prompt: Are you a morning person or a night owl?

Well, as evidenced by yesterday's post, I'm definitely a night owl. Apparently I've always been that way; my parents have stories of me as a toddler, staying up and watching late night TV with my date because I wouldn't go to sleep. My favorite time at the end of each school year was asking my parents what my later bedtime was for the summer.

It's interesting, because my parents are the opposite, going to bed around 9 or 9:30. For a long time, I viewed that not as part of their personalities, but as part of being an "adult". Adults go to bed early and get up early. I felt like staying up until midnight and not going into work until 9 am meant that I wasn't acting mature or responsible. There are still times when some aspects of life might be easier if I could get on a different schedule, but really, this is what comes naturally, and I'm learning to accept that there's nothing wrong with that.

A Look Back to the Future

Recently, I went through my gmail account, which I've had since 2005 or 2006, and deleted about 90% of the accumulated conversations. I at least glanced at everything before deleting it, and found one interesting conversation with my friend Jessica. She sent me a link to an article called The Omnivore's Delusion, the premise of which was basically that people who claim that there are moral and ethical issues with farming don't understand how much technology has improved the industry.

My reaction to it:

Very interesting. My main response would be: yes, I do expect farmers to live and work more like their grandparents... because I am also trying myself to live more like my grandparents (or even further back in the family tree).  

Five years from now, my ideal vision of my life would be carless, generate very little garbage (that is, garbage headed to a landfill) maybe a bag or two a year, compost most waste that I generate, grow a significant portion of my food myself, etc.  I think it's healthier for both us and the earth, physically and psychologically to exert more effort, rather than trying to make things as efficient and convenient as possible.  

One idea I've been dwelling on lately is that the specialization of labor is psychologically harmful - that it's most fulfilling to be actively involved in all the aspects of your life, rather than merely in one aspect that you can trade to have other aspects taken care of by others, even though that will obviously mean compromising certain things that have become to be thought of as necessities in our current society.  Can I really live by that philosophy?  Maybe not, it will certainly be extremely challenging, but if that's my ideal, then at least I'll be doing my best to work towards it.

That was almost five years ago. I'm nowhere near that picture of a self-sufficient lifestyle, but it is still something I'm striving towards.

Embrace

NaBloPoMo prompt: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Not that many years ago, I would have said my height. I'm 5 feet even. Or, at least it rounds to that. I think the last time a doctor measured it, it was 4'11 3/4". This can be annoying in many ways. For example, the top third of the shelves in my kitchen cabinets are essentially unusable. I feel like it's a hindrance in the workplace - how can my colleagues or clients take me seriously when I'm probably shorter than their pre-teen kids?

But, that's something that I've started learning how to not only accept, but embrace. For five years, I wore heels every single day to work; now I've started wearing flats most of the time - even sometimes for client meetings when I'm more dressy. Seriously, being 5'2" with heels isn't going to make me look more like an adult than 5'0"! It's still damn short! Portraying confidence at 5'0" will do more for my career than a couple extra inches from my shoes.

The thing I would change, if I could, is my anxiety and depression. It's one of those things that has made me who I am today - but if I could be the same person without the hard part, that would have been nice! It keeps me from taking part in things that I might enjoy, and from enjoying things when I do participate. It makes me cautious, but it makes me overly cautious. It helps me develop organized, detailed plans, but it leads to frustration when the imperfect world gets in the way of plans.

I've spent the past several years battling my mind, trying to change it, even to cure it. Is there a way to embrace it instead? 

Three Things Thursday: Currently Making Me Happy

1. Black toenail polish. It just feels so delightfully subtly subversive!

(Crap. Just realized since it's Halloween, black polish isn't quite as subversive. But it will be again in a few weeks!)

2. Perfectly fluffy pancakes (only slightly burned). Made with sprite for extra fluffiness, just like my Grandma Van made.

3. My masters degree diploma! I finished the last class in August, and finally received the diploma yesterday. 

Alone

I wrote the following in February of my senior year of college, but thought I'd share it in light of my MBTI post the other day. It's still a cycle I get stuck in occasionally - how to be content while worrying that I'm missing out on something, or alternatively that I'm wasting time on something I'll ultimately deem unimportant. Each year I suppose I end up a bit more comfortable in my own personality.

                                                                                                           

loner

1. A person who is or prefers to be alone, especially one who avoids the company of others.

2. Someone that likes being alone, and is happy with what they are.

3. Someone who doesn’t need other people around them to validate their own existence.

One of the most important things I have learned about myself in college is that I am inherently a loner. And I think one of the most common misconceptions about loners is that they are inherently lonely. Essentially all social beings believe this. Even a lot of loners believe this. But it’s not true.

lonely

1. Lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

2. Affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

3. A powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation; feeling disconnected and alienated from other people.

I have spent my fair share of time being lonely. But it has nothing to do with spending time by myself. On the contrary, the worst feeling of loneliness, at least for a loner, is when you make the effort to join a social situation, to belong to a group of people, and you fail. Because 99% of the time, you do fail. You can’t help it. You can’t succeed at something that is completely against your very nature.

The happiest time of my life was when I spent every Saturday night at home reading a novel, had never attended a school dance, and was completely oblivious to the fact that this made me abnormal. It was around eighth grade that I had the revelation that my peers were leading a very different life than I was. They hung out the mall after school and attended parties on the weekend. They didn’t define their “friends” as just the group of classmates with whom they ate lunch – they actually did things with their friends outside of school.

So I entered high school with the commendable goal of becoming cool, or at the very least sociable. For a time it worked. I talked, I flirted. But as graduation neared, I knew that nothing had really changed. The group of people I ate lunch with still had parties to which I was never invited. Sure, I had one or two close friends that I would sometimes hang out with on the weekends. I was occasionally thought of to make plans with for dinner before the homecoming dance. But I was still unhappy; I still hadn’t achieved the goal that I knew would bring me happiness.

So I entered college with the laudable goal of becoming popular, or at the very least a social butterfly. I made a conscious effort to put myself out of my comfort zone and into large groups of people. I attached myself to the cliques that hung out in the dorm lobby until 2 am and made frequent trips to Wendy’s.

But eventually, I spent less time in the lobby and more time in my room, reading science fiction novels, discussing my roommate’s latest fan fic, or studying ancient Greek. And it was in these activities that I stopped thinking about what I was missing out on by not being invited on the latest beach trip.

As the last four years have passed, I have continued to struggle to be content with my status as a loner. When I just let myself be, I am happy, or at the very least, satisfied. But there never ceases to be phases where I start focusing on what mainstream culture tries to dictates, which is that I couldn’t possibly be happy if I don’t have a date on Saturday, whether it be with a fabulous guy or at least my roommates. I’m hoping that the change in scenery as I leave college will provide me with the push to settle into myself, to be content with my real personality, and to finally spend a dozen Saturday nights in a row reading the books that have been collecting dust on my bookshelves.

World Introvert Day

Happy Introvert Day!

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